Feeling pretty "meh" right now. It's tolerable, at the moment.

The leaves look beautiful in the Maryland afternoon sun. Autumn colors that I could see even without my glasses on. The place we are renting doesn't allow us to plant a garden. I wish we had some fresh greens, potatoes, and anything else that's good in this climate.

Haven't planted anything for years. Maybe that could change in the future. That's if I can just make some goals and stick with it.

Decided to ween myself off of social media because I'm getting neck pain from looking down all the time. The endless scrolling sucked up a lot of my time. I think it replaced reading as my go to for  down time. Decided to read Cosmos instead. 

 Thanks to the Wayback Machine, I got to see my old Open Diary account (the second one I made because my mom joined and I deleted my first one immediately). I think I started the second one in 2005. This is right after I had to move back home from college. Right before I began working at a bookstore. Sent the form in to reclaim my account. I don't have access to my emails that I used for my account. (Excite doesn't recognize my email and my old Yahoo account sends the email to my Excite account. It's a mess.)

21 year old me was a fan of provocative titles that made sense to me at the time. One in particular I'm really psyched to read because I have no idea who I am cursing out. It could be actual people or fictional characters at that point of my life. With some of my physical journals from that time are lost, I will appreciate having the chance to save some of those moments. Life seemed so chaotic then.

I've been on edge for weeks with grief and sadness. Constant strolling down my feeds are fueling it. There's a line between staying informed and traumatizing yourself more. It felt like I was about to hyperventilate while trying to fall asleep the night before. Haven't felt like that ever.

So far the only thing that works is busying myself with Blender tutorials and watching folks on Twitch. Self care is a must right now. Don't want to dig an early grave. Prayer and meditation have helped a bit, too. I need to make it out of 2020.

For once in my life, I'm going to try things without the expectation of gaining extraordinary mastery of it. Too many interesting and affordable hobbies I don't attempt because I think that I wouldn't be the best to do it. Harmful mindset that I'm trying to kick. I hope I can drown out that voice in my head.

Really longing for companionship right now. Not just the sexual, but a romantic relationship. However, I have to be patient now until my living and financial situation changes. I relish the moments when I can clearly see a partner that I can love freely without judgment. But that's the thing. Everything you do is going to be judged by someone. The only person who's judgement we should take to heart are our own. Weird complicated feelings simultaneously wears me out and invigorates me.

Compulsory heterosexuality sucks.

 Whenever life is too much for me, I check out into my imaginary world. This happens a lot because I tend to notice way too many things. Things I cannot change. Things that are distasteful to me. Things that I don't like about myself.

Also in the "too much category" are interpersonal relationships. Being vulnerable and open to someone else's pain used to be so overwhelming to me when I was younger. Now it's not so much, but in my early twenties I felt like I was going to be swept out to the emotional sea without anything to hold onto. I'd like to think I have a raft, and could still see the coastline. 

Just some random midnight thoughts.

 The past few months have been up and down emotionally. Some days I'm mindful and in the zone, while other days I struggle to keep focused on a simple task. At least I could boast about making some strides in recognizing when the MD begins and being able to stay focused on the present and not dwell in the past or imagining the future. Tried to keep a private digital journal, but it's not the same.

So I haven't exercised regularly since I stopped working retail in 2013. I worked as a barista, and on the good days I brisk walked to the subway to and from work. Also living in DC, there were safe opportunities to walk to the library or the grocery store. I'm glad they are beginning to add sidewalks where there were none before where I am living now. There is a shopping center and library ten minutes up the road, but it's a little dangerous with the lack of traffic lights.

Anyway as a new year resolution, I'm doing regular exercise. I started with a beginner 15 minute strength workout I could do at home. Just because it's for beginner's doesn't mean that it's a cake walk. The first week my muscles were so sore from non use. Now I'm the fourth week in and the workout endorphins are kicking in after it. After a long slumber, my muscles are waking up and thanking me.

My writing resolution started out well, but I petered out when I became anxious about producing results. Instead I'm just going to just be chill but consistent about it.

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I ordered an Amazon Fire HD 8'' tablet, Cantu Coconut Curling Creme, a Denman 7 row nylon brush, and two headphones (one for me and one for an early birthday present for my mom, hope she likes it). I wasn't paying attention to the seller for the brush and didn't notice that they are in the UK, so I could be waiting for upwards of a month for it to arrive. The Fire HD 8", curling creme and headphones for my mom arrives Wednesday, by Amazon's estimate. My headphones arrive tomorrow and not a moment too soon. My current pair of headphones just stopped working a day ago.

The first few days of the New Year I have spent exercising. Tomorrow is my break day. Need to let my body heal up.

The soreness is thrilling to me. Why? As a former athletic young adult, I miss the burn. It reminds me of pushing pass my physical boundaries and reaching a potential I didn't know I had within me. I started the workout plan in hopes of losing a bit of weight and toning up a bit. Now it's like a battle of perseverance that I hadn't had in years. See thrilling.

In television watching news, Lucifer cracked me up, NCIS started on a good note, and Bull was alright but it seemed incomplete for some reason. Missing my superhero shows. One of my favorite shows is back tonight: Criminal Minds. This season is a bit better than last season. The Mr. Scratch story arc lasted for way too long. Reid was in jail for way too long.

At the moment, I'm reading Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell  and some nonfiction books.